I wish there was a way to be able to explain how you're feeling to other ppl and that they would honestly understand, no matter what it is. I mean right now I feel like I'm going crazy and I honestly don't know why... but here I'll just lay out a few things for you...

Okay, so guys... Yeah, the tend to be the bane of my life and it really sucks... I mean-- IT SUCKS, but hey don't get me wrong! I don't mean to say that they're horrible, but for some reason, every time, I seem to be getting the wrong ideas from guys... I feel like a whore and I just really don't know what to do about it... I mean... AH! I just feel like screaming and bleeding myself until I die... or maybe jumping into the Chattahoochee so that I can drown... Mainly-- I feel like disappearing from the world for awhile... Okay... those were two completely different subjects smashed together... XD eh, that sounds bad.

So I get these really weird sharp pains through my chest-- it feels like lightening going threw my chest. I don't know if it's anything bad... Haha, I hope not at least... that would be bad, but then this kind of brought me to another thought:
I don't know why I started thinking this, but I mean what would happen if I died during college... I don't mean that I'm going to kill myself, but I feel like I could die soon, like in my youth... I think I would rather die sometime soon, so that I would be continuously causing my parents grief-- like I'm currently doing. *sigh* I just wish that I could die... and then I wouldn't have to worry about anything any more. I really don't like worrying about things honestly... I don't like thinking so much any more. If I said anything to any one at my school they'd probably be like, "Hey, um, I don't mean anything dentrimental <sp?> by this, but you might want to go talk to some one..." And other things like that. I hate this. I really do. HA! Maybe I should go get some medicine for like bipolar disorder or ADD-- I seem to have those... I mean, my moods are constantly up and down, and up and down, and I can't focus when I try and do anything... I need a NORMAL life. No college, no drama, no life-- that's what I need. And LOTS of sleeping without worrying. AH!!!!!!! I swear-- I'm just going insane. END STORY.


I'm going away... goodnight.

But before I go: <I took this from "kristynee" I hope I spelt that right!>

10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now (don't list names) :

1. I really like hanging out with you, but you're confusing and completely awesome at the same time. Sorry I told you I think that I'm going to stop hanging out with you-- I don't want that-- I like how you can make me laugh and make me smile. I know you don't always pay attention to me and forget that I'm there, but all I really want you to know is that you can always call me a friend... And at the same time when you make me smile, you also want to make me cry.
2. If you didn't have a girlfriend I'd be hanging out with you all the time.
3. Even though you are who you are to me, you're probably the greatest love of my life.
4. I wish I could die and no one would miss me.
5. I wish you would take a chance and see what happens.
6. I really don't like you-- please stop trying to get me to go out with you. I don't like you and I don't think I ever will.
7. I really wish I could be held by you right now and have one of the best nights of my life and then forget about it the next day and that we could also be erased from each others minds after we depart from each other this one last time.
8. Ha! If only you weren't gay!
9. I wish you would respond to me when I try to talk to you.
10. I wish I could take you back, but I know better than that.


Nine things about yourself:
1. I'm half asian.
2. I love my lip ring.
3. I want to go to Italy.
4. I'm usually thinking of incidents where I could die all the time-- for no reason in particular, just what could happen.
5. I was born in California.
6. I wish I was on better terms with my family.
7. I love being in crowds and getting lost in them.
8. I've wanted to run away so many times.
9. I've got the most annoying mood swings! XD

Eight ways to win your heart.
1. with laughter
2. great smile
3. optimistic
4. drama free
5. intelligent
6. Sweet
7. goal oriented
8. no extra baggage on the side (ie:babies, baby mamas, girls, ex girlfriends)

Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1. guys
2. school
3. sex
4. drugs
5. my future
6. death
7. Wishes

Six things you wish you never did.

1. give up my virginity to that first guy.
2. Failed in school
3.  leading someone on
4. staying up late
5. talking to certain ppl
6. cared

Five turn offs

1. bad breath
2.personalities that I clash with
3. drama
4. emotions
5. being used

Four turn ons

1. eyes
2. smile
3. humor
4. good looking

Three smileys that describe your life

1. XD
2. =P
3. ^_^

Two things you want to do before you die

1. Tell the ppl that I love that I love them
2. If I can-- that forever someone... XD lol

One confession

1. I love, but I can't never truely admit it to those ppl, but I love them and I wish I could erase my emotions at times.

END.

Okay, so there are these guys right... Three of them- - Shaun, Trae, and "Beanz"... Well yeah... I'm really confused with this whole guy thing... I mean, no actually I'll just say what's going on...

Situation #1:
    Okay, so I started having sex with Beanz and hell we hit it off okay. But then I went to Tech one weekend and then I had sex with Shaun... So then I come back and tell Beanz about it- - note: we're not in a relationship. And Beanz is like okay I'm a little hurt... I don't really know what to tell him: I warned him about it.

Situation #2:
    So then I get into a open relationship with Shaun... that goes out the window pretty quickly... Because I start having sex with Beanz again... okay... so now...

Situation #3:
    Beanz misunderstood my feelings for him and thought I liked him more than I really do and then he starts acting distant. I told him that he misunderstood what my feelings were a few days ago <straightening out his idea of that I mean> and he hasn't really talked to me since, but yeah... we'll give him a few more days...

Situation #4:
    And now Trae and I hung out yesterday <the 21st> and this is like the first time that we've actually gotten to really talk... and I ended up telling him about how I don't really care for relationships at the moment and he was pretty much said that hey- we can fuck if you want... so now I'm just what?! I'm just flabbergasted at the moment and I don't really know what to think...

*sigh* So those are my latest situations at the moment I think I just need some sleep to sort this shit out!!! XD But then again I don't really feel like sleeping... hmmm, I want to go take a shower too, but ah... I don't really know what I want to do any more...

I also talked about this stuff a bit more in depth with one of my bests and ah, I love her- - she's amazing for being there for me! I talked to her for maybe about an hour I think and I felt so much better for it! So a great big thanks to her!!! AH! amazing! but yeah... gosh darn Trae! 'Cause I had just decided to NOT do anything for fear of messing up a friendship that I could develop with him... *AH!!!!!!!!!!* What am I supposed to do?! I mean part of me is like do it, but then another part of me is like "ah, shit not now!" and I just don't really know what to do... LAME!

And I really need to catch up on school! I mean I don't really know where we are in history... I have to turn in my self evaluation for COMM and also pick a topic out! XD and then I have to attend 5 concerts and do outlines of the chapters for Music appreciation... and in English I have to write <well finish> writing my paper, since I had already started it...

I'm going to go crazy... I think I should... HAHA... NOT. hmmm... just yeah... yeah... idk... it's crazy shit man... crazy shit... I think I'll update more when I've had time to think about this shit... until then hang tight and don't be stupid! =P

-Tif